“Heart Attack”

See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; ~ Hebrews 12:15

I awakened with discomfort in my chest and gut Sunday morning. I didn’t dwell on it since I hadn’t been sleeping well for some time and the dark mornings of autumn only make it harder to get moving. Aches and pains in the morning are a matter of course for most of us over a certain age anyway. The unusual thing about my chest pain and knotted gut was that I instinctively felt a correlation between them and my emotional and intellectual weariness. It had been a particularly hard week with heartbreaking disappointments and no-win scenarios that followed a general dismay over the future of the work I’ve loved for decades. 

My Sunday morning partner in worship ministry and I stood before the altar again intending to pray for our efforts to please the LORD. I whispered “I’ve got nothing left in my tank this morning, Sunshine.” So, we prayed that the LORD would make Himself known anyway. The LORD showed up. Music was rich and inspiring and our prayers about the saints in Heaven evoked strong emotions. Then, with tempered wit and restrained frustration I preached a brief message based on Howe's “For All the Saints.” Ironically, I told my wife and daughter that I thought it would be a good epitaph should I die that day, and that before I suspected I was seriously ill. . 

My bride and I met with a lovely couple whose genuine faith and hunger for Christ inspires me amid so much apathy. They sought counsel in preparation for their upcoming wedding. It was a lovely conversation that gave me joy though I felt myself deteriorating as the chat went on. I was sweating profusely and my skin was clammy. My gut felt like a tightening rubber band on a balsa wood airplane.My chest hurt and my mind was blurry. My bride and I went home after parting with our young friends and we sat down to watch the remainder of a football game. I left the room several times trying not to alarm anyone since I wasn’t sure about my next steps yet. Finally, I quietly called my bride out of the room and said, “I think I’m having a heart attack.” 

I came home from the hospital approximately 20 hours later after constant tests and brief, uncomfortable naps. It had not been a heart attack, which was good news, but “what the heck happened!” I wondered. Stress was generally, but not officially credited with causing my symptoms. While not surprised, I was a little angry that I could be undone by something like that at this point in my life. I’d been in many stressful situations and seasons over the years and had managed to cope admirably by my estimation. It turns out that the Enemy is no fool. Attacking on multiple fronts simultaneously and employing diversions to weaken an objective before the final assault are common tactics for good generals, no matter how diabolical. 

My bride went back to her job the next day and came home within hours as she was suffering with similar, but milder symptoms in her gut. While the hospital care I received was excellent, it was laser focused on my heart. The fact that a stomach virus was passing through the community and likely afflicting me came from the best network in town, the local school. So, I was the victim of an intestinal disorder that was profoundly exacerbated by weeks of stress, months of constant adaptation, and general burnout. 

While it may seem sanctimonious to some, my constant ministry goal is described in the verse above, See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; Over the years, I’ve seen bitterness, in this case “poison” would be a better word, lead many pastors and church members to focus their energies on self-fulfillment and aggrandizement. Consequently, the idea that a local church could be a farm for the development of serious Christian discipleship became an obsession for me. I felt that a systematic approach to the business of the institution and its leadership could relieve worldly stressors and enable faith development in attenders, worshipers, and members of the local church. A small, Spirit-led leadership team could join me in this while and effective, unified staff took care of business. Preaching from the Bible and letting its natural authority speak truth in love from God seemed like a certain way of generating revival and authentic Christianity in the local church. 

My fiscal leadership routinely improved the general health of the institutions I’ve served but my preaching and teaching always seemed to have a limited impact. What’s more, there are always persons whose commitment to their particular role in the local church caused them to resent me for preaching against them. I wasn’t trying to hurt them with preaching since that would be reprehensible in my mind, but I admit that I used other opportunities to call out toxic persons and reject their negative impact on the vision and mission of the Church-Universal. Those battles have a cumulative effect. Grief, self-doubt, and fear all linger in me and combine with less than desirable Spiritual growth in the congregation to bring me down, especially self-doubt. 

A simple majority of 51% seems attainable and yet elusive. If slightly more than half the people attending the local church would worship God because they just can’t help it, then spiritual growth would be irresistible. We see Local churches dying across the land, especially during the pandemic, mainly because they have nothing to offer new generations who see them as social organizations of morally superior hypocrites. I genuinely believe we can do better. My hope is that sleeping saints will awaken and demonstrate the power, life and vitality of the Kingdom of Christ. But, I fear that I have failed to awaken enough for a simple majority. Especially after the pandemic dulled their senses and deepened their lethargy. My grief and sense of failure, and perhaps unrealistic expectations, combined over the years to bring me to this point. 

I do not plan to quit, my King makes it very clear that is not an option. I truly want to stay with my current local church until I’m done. I do not plan to aim for lesser things and accommodate toxicity in the Church. I will not stop preaching truth in love from the Bible or seeking the 51%. Still, for the moment, I will rest. I will pray the LORD reveals a way forward that humbles me and makes me more dependent upon His grace. I will pray that the roots of the growing simple majority will become more fruitful. I hope the local church I serve will realize that this, like a marriage, is a relationship that prospers and fulfills by mutual consent and commitment. This season of burnout will pass but I cannot do it alone. 

There’s another passage from the same chapter of Hebrews that says, “It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?” (Hebrews 12:7) I have no doubt that our LORD is using these circumstances to direct me and refine my discipleship since my journey toward personal holiness means more than my success as a pastor. Likewise, the LORD using your current state of affairs, maybe even our shared journey through this week, to grow your devotion to discipleship. Will you join me in becoming a simple majority for His Name’s sake?